Fat Jacob
by edwardrocksjacobsucks
Summary: Bella Couldn't Believe it. what had happened to jacob? HOW could this have happened? he's a werewolf it's not like he stores fat on his body for winter. none of it made since. *I suck at summary's but ya it's really funny please R&R! :
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, I hope this humors most of you…please, please, please R&R**

**Fat Jacob**

Bella's POV:

I had no idea why Jacob wouldn't answer my notes. I had been sending him lots of them and no answers. I didn't understand. i was oblivious. We were best friends when he-Edward- was gone, why couldn't we be now? I was pondering all of this while Charlie was obliviously burning dinner. "No dad, you have to take off the lid to the sauce BEFORE you put it in the microwave. And stir the noodles occasionally. And, and look at that! You've burned the bread! What are we going to use to substitute the bread? And don't get me wrong, but since when do you cook?"

"I don't know, I felt like cooking! I can cook in my own house."

"Oh. Okay then."

"Oh yeah, I wanted to let you know that I'm going on an all weekend fishing trip with Harry, and Billy tomorrow. You'll be okay here?"

"Fun! I have some homework to catch up on, and I think I'm cleaning the house too so don't worry I'll be fine." I lied.

"Ok" was the last word we spoke to each other that night. I was surprised when Charlie hadn't grounded me when I decided to travel across the world on a whim-more or less that's what he thought-with Alice.

What had really happened was Rosalie had given the wrong message to Edward –that I was dead- and he decided to go to Italy to see the Volturi. Then I jumped on a plane and was there trying to stop him as fast as I could. I never fathomed that I wouldn't be grounded by Charlie.

Since Edward was out hunting this weekend I didn't know how I would live. I couldn't go with him-he didn't allow it- and he had to or else he couldn't be around me. I could hang out with Alice, but I didn't feel like getting all girly like she has done in the past.

I knew I was working on Saturday but what else could I do? The house was spotless, my homework-done. I had no idea as to how I was going to live without Edward this weekend. I might not. I might. I'm pretty sure I would.

**haven't got to the funny part yet ******** please R&R.**


	2. Chapter 2

Oh and please boycott the Cheerios Company

**Oh and please boycott the Cheerios Company. I was doing this benefit thing and I called them and asked them if I could have free stuff to give away at the benefit. They said no! I could not believe it! They usually do give stuff away for benefits! But, they didn't to me so remember only buy Cheerios if you have a little one or you need to lower cholesterol. Please R&R ******

**Quick Decisions**

I knew Edward would have Alice on watch of me, you know, the usual with her visions. Right now I don't think she knew what my future was because I didn't even know what I was going to do the rest of the weekend. I didn't want to sit and think about Edward, which I probably would do anyway and was thankful he couldn't read my thoughts.

I ate my breakfast as slowly as I could; one cheerio at a time. I didn't want to be early for work. When I finished my breakfast, I did all the dishes. Then I decided to check my e-mail. I had gotten an e-mail from my mom just the usual; asking how I've been. I replied to her saying briefly how I was great and everything was okay.

I finally decided to drive to work only to find out they didn't need me today. Now I was trapped. I drove home. No one was there, not my Edward not Charlie, not anybody. I was sitting –thinking of only Edward and occasionally my mind would stray to Jacob- when suddenly the phone rang. It was Charlie.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey bells? It's me," Charlie said, "I'm over at Harry's getting ready to leave and well…um…ijustsawjacobandhe'snotdoinganythingtodaysowhydon'tyoucomeseehimifyouwant." His words were out in a rush. I was so glad I was best friends with alice because if not for her fast talking when she gets excited I would have not understood exactly what Charlie had just said.

"Umm…dad I'm not sure Jake wants to see me. You've been passing the notes along and he hasn't replied to one." It was all true he didn't reply to any- I guessed he didn't want me around.

"Bells," his voice sounded really sad "he's pretty depressed Billy won't even be there today why don't you just hang out with him? I mean you don't have to but I wish you would."

"Ok dad, if I change my mind I'll let you know," I knew he didn't want to see me why bother?

"Oh and one more thing he might look different that's why he's been avoiding you."

"Ok dad, well have fun on your trip bye." He told me bye mechanically and hung up the phone. But maybe he was right. Could Jacob be avoiding me because he changed again? I wish he wouldn't do that. But Charlie was right- I knew he was depressed I could feel it. I suddenly knew what I was doing this weekend. I was going over to see Jacob black. No matter how Edward said no he wasn't here I knew how furious he would be when he came back but oh well right now Jacob needed me. I knew I was playing games but I knew who I would choose in the end always- Edward that was the most important fact of my life.

I walked to my truck and started driving when I reached la push I decided I was just walking straight into that house. I didn't care, I was doing it. I felt on the edge. It wasn't exactly wonderful but nice.

When I got to his house I knew he was there; the lights were on in the house, as Charlie promised he was there all weekend.

When I barged into the house I saw Jacob on the couch watching a work out tape. He was fat. I mean shoving Twinkie after Twinkie in your mouth fat. I knew he was sad he could eat a whole cow when that cow turned into fating junk food oh no. it's all down hill. He was probably 400 pounds plus. "What?" he asked obviously confused. "Bella what are you doing here?"

"Coming to see you," I watched him as he shoved cheetoh puffs into his mouth. "What happened to you? I cannot believe you did this to yourself!! What on earth were you thinking!" I was tempted to call him captain Twinkie.

"Listen, I can explain," he said back to me.

**oohhh…a cliff hanger sorry ******** couldn't resist please R&R and tell me if it was funny. And trust me everybody who's saying where's Edward?? He's coming, next chapter hopefully. I'll keep you updated daily just remember to R&R.**


	3. Jacob and Jenny Craig

Got any of you laughing yet

**Got any of you laughing yet?? R&R I'm beginning to get worried! I've had like 45 hits and only 2 reviews. R&R and if I could I would give you a cookie. To bad I can't. Sorry. But R&R please I want to know if I suck as a writer or I'm okay.**

Jacob's POV

I was sitting on the couch like the bum I knew I was and out of no where Bella jumps through the door. I knew how obvious it was that I was over weight. Just like the fatty I was I was sitting on the couch, shoving Twinkies in my mouth continuously. "What?" I blubbered out. "Bella, What are you doing here?"

"Coming here to see you," she stated. I could hear the wonder in her voice and knew how ashamed I was. I was so depressed because she went to Italy to get that leach. I was so sad the guys told me I shouldn't change into a werewolf for a while, till I was better. I knew they didn't want to see my thoughts I don't think I would either if I were them. "Listen, I can explain."

Bella's POV

"What happened to you?" I knew that when most people get depressed that they ate, but Jacob? He wasn't sad. Or was he? I had no clue. "How could you do this to yourself!!" I was getting angrier by the second. "You shouldn't have walloped over me. I'm not worth it!

"I'm so sorry Bella I'll get better I promise. I'll go on jenny Craig or something! I'm sorry." I heard him say just about a million times until I realized I needed to go somewhere quiet. Somewhere to think. What I needed was Edward. Edward. That was right he was coming home soon! I knew he would be home soon!! I couldn't wait! I thought Jacob was still blubbering about jenny Craig.

"Jake, I-I need to think." I said "I'll call you later and I'll know then what to do."

"Ok, Bella and I really am sorry." He said.

"I know. I'll see you later." I said I looked at my watch and realized that I was at his house for an hour! Alice told me to be there at 10:00 a.m. and here it was 10:30! I got in my truck and got it to push 55. Edward would be home at noon. I'm sure Alice was going to dress me up. When I got there I was right! Alice the little pixie was mad. And I mean mad.

**R&R!! I hope you all understand the importance of this!! I want to know if I am good and all of my teachers were just being nice giving me 4's and 100's and A+'s oh and sorry I didn't do more chapters tonight! The office came on!**


	4. Explosion of Alice

OK, I'm going away to camp Wednesday, and I am going to put up as much of this story as I can

**OK, I'm going away to camp Wednesday, and I am going to put up as much of this story as I can. If I don't get much in I will let you yell at me. Oh and I have never met Stephenie Meyer or have had anything to do with the helping of writing the book. You're supposed to do that or something. I think it's called a disclaimer?**

**Bella's POV**

"Where have you been?!" she wasn't exactly screaming but it was pretty darn close, "EDWARD IS GOING TO KILL ME!! He didn't want you near that dog. I had a vision. Yeah. Do you wanna hear it? Ok I'll tell it to you. I was seeing you driving. Everything was fine. Then I saw you disappear! You know how scary that is?"

"Alice, don't worry I'm fine and I want you to know I'll be fine to visit him for a while because he's forbidden to faze into a werewolf for a while. So ya, and I don't anything is going to hurt me. He's big and fat and the Twinkie king!" I wasn't screaming either but that was because jasper was nearby probably.

"Wha…how…u…ha?"

"Alice you're flabbergasted right?" I knew she was and couldn't collect her thoughts.

"What do you mean not allowed to fade?"

"Well, he got so depressed because I ran off to Italy and, you know how when people are depressed they eat? Well Jacob does that so Sam told him he should take a brake and that he couldn't faze into werewolf for a while. And he's to fat to faze anyway." I hope she wasn't too lost in her train of thought.

"Oh, ok well Edward will still be mad. Now lets get you to my room and make you look beautiful for Edward will forget about the whole thing." I let her do everything she could to my face I didn't care I was just waiting till Edward came home. It was 11:30 by now and knowing Edward he'd show up at 11:45. I had no problems with him coming early and he near I could almost taste it.

"Alice, how much longer now?"

"2 minutes Bella."

**sorry, cliffhanger I'll get more in today I just have to watch the baby. So R&R**


	5. Edward is home

So so sorry I haven't updated in a while

**So so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I had to do this thing at this camp. And the computer was down Saturday and Sunday so ya. Sorry. **

Bella's POV

"How much longer alice?"

"1 minute later than the last time you asked me!"

"Sorry," I knew how sheepish I looked but I wanted to see him. I knew he felt the same way. And now I could see him! He would be here-now!

"Edward! I'm so glad to see you!" I ran and embraced him in a hug.

"I know love. Me too," his velvety voice whispered to me "it was almost unbearable not to be around you."

"I understand what you mean. We need to talk." I thought he would be furious! But he wasn't. I wonder why.

"Okay, how about we go into my room."

"That sounds great." Why was Edward, my personal god, not mad? Hadn't Alice called him? I didn't understand.

When I was in my deep train of thought, Edward ha scooped me up and we were now in his room oh the couch. I curled up close to his just to inhale his wonderful scent. "Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?" his velvety voice was wondrous and I was surprised. Didn't he know? How could he not know?

"I went to see Jacob today and before you get mad-" I was abruptly cut off.

"I know Bella and I am not mad at all. But why do you sound so worried and panicked?"

"Well Jacob, first of all can't hurt me because he's not allowed to phase into a werewolf. And secondly, he's really fat and I told him I would call him to tell him what to do."

"Aw, the poor dog. Well, he can come over here and work out in the gym with us."

"Possibly, but I don't think he would like to be around you. But the gym idea sounds okay."

"Well, then I could get passes to the Y and buy the building out privately the whole day. And do that every weekend."

"Yep that would work. Let's call Jacob and see. Can I use your cell phone?"

"Always love," his beautiful voice whispered to me, "but, first." He gave me a deep soft kiss. Not a careful one but not too uncareful. Our kiss broke. "I really did miss you." I was hyperventilating. I was breathing fast. It took me a moment to calm down.

I giggled then said, "I was about to die without you."

"Now don't tell me that or I won't go hunting ever again."

"'Kay." The kiss had made me bubbly and happy and right now I didn't want to call Jacob. I just wanted to sit and snuggle with Edward. "You know what I don't think I'm going to call Jacob right this second."

"Okay beautiful. Whatever you wish." Then we just sat. He hummed my lullaby and I just held my self close to him. This was perfect. "Bella, we can do this for as long as you want, but its 1:00 and I suspect Charlie is there?"

"He's on an all week fishing trip and, okay we can go to my house now." I said.

"Okay. Do you want to take the truck, or run?"

"Um. The truck please." We drove in silence. I knew it was because I was still recovering from my hyperventilation.

**Cliff hanger! It gets good from this point trust me.**


	6. the decision

**A/N: thank you to all who have reviewed on my story. I'm just disappointed because my best friend and I got a fan fiction started at the same time and her stories have her inbox full. So please please please review! Flames are welcome! I want to know how good this is! Thanks a lot. ******

When we got to my house, no one was there; as planned. I knew what I had to do I had to cal Jacob and tell him the news. "I'm going to run to the Y and rent it out for tomorrow." Edward was right. Sunday would be the best day to rent it out because nobody ever really went there on Sunday.

"Okay, I'll call him. Please hurry back." He chuckled a little and was gone. I sighed a big sigh and said, "Well guess I gotta do this." His phone number dialed. And then someone answered. But it wasn't Jacob. No not at all. It was a girl. "Jacob?"

"Oh wrong number. I don't know any Jacobs." After she said this she giggled. I guess I was interrupting something.

"Oh sorry, my fault. Sorry again."

"No problem."

"Goodbye."

"whatever." Then she hung up her phone. I guess I dialed it wrong. I dialed it again. This time Jacob did answer.

"Hello?" his mouth was full. I wondered with what.

"Hey Jake. I have a plan."

"What is it?"

"Okay Edward is at the Y renting out the whole building for tomorrow and I want you to meet me there at 10 okay?"

"I'm not going if Edward is going."

"Suit yourself. Go ahead die at age 40 because of your jiggles."

"Okay, okay. I'll be there."

"Okay? I gotta go bye."

"'Kay. Bye bells."

"Bye" and I slammed the phone into the receiver.

"Bella?" Edward was back.

"Yes I'm in the kitchen."

"Okay this girl keeps sending me text messages saying I am her ex husband and calling me over and over! See here it is again."

"Gimme the phone." He handed me the phone.

"Hello. Sweetie you have the wrong number so leave my boyfriend alone got it?"

No response. I pressed the end button and she didn't call back for the rest of the evening.

"Hey why don't you call Charlie and see if you can have a slumber party with Alice over here."

"No, thanks. I want her to come over tomorrow." He chuckled at my remark.

"Whatever you want." And I spent the rest of the night in his arms listening to his lullaby.

**A big thanks to that girl who kept calling me because I would not have had that idea. Please review everyone! ******


	7. HA HA HA!

thanks for all the reviews I'm getting

**thanks for all the reviews I'm getting! Oh and disclaimer I own nothing. And please excuse my typing because I just got fake nails today and I am still getting the hang of them. Please review! **

The next morning I woke as Edward was playing with my hair. "Good morning sunshine," he whispered to me as I slowly but surely woke up.

"Good morning. What time is it?" I was a little confused.

"8:37." He whispered.

"Oh goodness." There I was sounding old fashioned again I could see the old porch again in my head. "I mean oh crap I got to get ready." I was already up and moving getting my shirt and work out pants. "Be right back," I said as I kissed him on the cheek and was out of the door. I took a shower in silence. When I came back I guessed he had gone to his house to get clothes because he was changed too.

"Hello, you look beautiful. Just one question. Why do you own a pair of work out pants?" I laughed at his question.

"Renee-"

"Oh." He cut me off while I laughed again and knew I wouldn't have to explain it further than one word. "Well you look sexy in them."

"Edward Cullen I am appalled"

"What, just stating the obvious." He laughed he pulled me up to his chest and cradled me there as I gazed into his smoldering eyes. He kissed me on the forehead then I knew we would probably have to leave.

As we drove to the Y Edward did not even pay attention to the road. "Do you go to the Y often?" I had asked him playfully as we drove.

"No?" I had meant the question as a joke and he had obviously not realized the question as rhetorical.

"So when are you going hunting next?"

"Hopefully, not soon."

"Why?"

"Silly Bella!" his voice was playful. "I hate missing you so much."

"Oh. Well…me too but I don't like it when you're forced away from me for your own good."

"Yes, this is why I'm going to hunt close to home for a while."

"Oh, well ya. You do that." I didn't want him to leave. I knew it was selfish but I didn't really care I loved him so much that I wanted to be around him for hours and hours. He chuckled a little and it went to silent. Right now I wondered what Jake was doing right now.

**Jacob's POV**

I could not believe she even talked to me let alone decide to help me become the biggest loser! It just mind boggled me that she cared that much. As I got ready that morning I realized I did not have a pair of clothes that were for running and all the athletic stuff I was used to. "Guess I gotta go to the stupid store." I mumbled to myself as I grabbed a 20 and walked out of the door already feeling the burn!

When I got to the store Leah was working. Leah Clearwater? No way. But I needed help and she was the one to help me so I decided guess I'd better talk to her.

"Can I help you?" she said in a very muffled voice trying to cover her giggles.

"I need jogging pant-type things." I was very embarrassed.

"Ok right over here. What size are you?" some more giggles.

"Like a 58 waist and 32 lengths?"

More giggles that turned into laughs. "What are you an idiot? I meant L, XL, XXL, XXXL, XXXXL, XXXXXL, and XXXXXXL."

"Whatever Leah give me XXXXXXL."

"Ok let me see. Um here do you want hot magenta or passion purple." These laughs were now hysterics.

"Leah what the heck are you talking about?"

"We only carry those colors! Oh and pretty princess plaid." She let me examine all three and I went with the passion purple. I'm not a real fruity tutty kinda guy but the plaid crap was a little too much to handle. And I don't even know what a magenta is! I paid stupid Leah and got on the bike. It was kinda slow. It only went 2 miles an hour. When I was driving a cop passed me up and gave me a thumbs up while eating a doughnut. Ah, a doughnut. With it's perfect doughiness and all of its many flavors. While I was salivating over the doughnut I passed up the Y and quickly realized so. I turned and saw bella's truck. I guessed they were inside. I went in a changed and found Bella and Edward stretching. Waiting for me. I could see Edwards smirk in the corner of my eye as I sat down and attempted to stretch. Ya, I can't even reach my toes because of my big santa belly.

**Ok sorry I haven't updated in a while…I've been extremely busy! (And having fun being a piro July 4****th****) So I reward you with this big big chapter. I hope it makes most of you laugh. Hard. And feel free to comment I just got my own e-mail address and so any comments are welcome! And thanks to all of the people who have reviewed my story it really helps me a lot. If I could I would give you this chocolate thingy my sister in law made. It was so good! And I do not have an addiction to doughnuts. And I didn't have Jacob call Edward a leech because he was fretting so hard about the pants and I cant wait to write the next chapter! **


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you for the 5 reviews I got

**Thank you for the 5 reviews I got. They help me a lot and there is a poll and every vote is crucial to the end. And no, I won't hold my chapters ransom if people don't review them. But that would be fun. And disclaimer I own nothing**

Bella's POV

"Jacob you…um…new clothes?" I tried my best now to stifle a few laughs but it didn't work at all.

"Bella, I think Jacob is trying to tell us something…"

"What? That tough guy wear pink?" then I guess he realized how stupid THAT was.

"You're wearing purple."

"I just realized that!" I quickly spat at him.

"OK, Stop! Now how about we start on the treadmill?"

"Fine" Jacob said hatefully and we each started it up and began running.

About 5 minutes into it I heard Jacob huffin and a puffin. I looked over to see Jacob running. He was drenched in sweat. I could smell him a mile a way. I went over to the customer service and looked in the drawer hoping the myth was right. And right there when I opened the drawer there they were. Yellow car fresheners. I was so happy it was lemon and not pines. Lemon was my favorite car smell. If I had one. I grabbed the whole Sam's club sized box and went over to Jacob.

"stop." I said to him.

He stopped looking grateful and wondered what I was doing with car fresheners.

"Edward go get some water please?"

"Certainly." He was back before I even blinked. "I have one question. What are the air fresheners for?"

"Jacob." This made Edward laugh. "Jake I know this is stupid but hold still and let me put these on and around you."

"wh-? Why?" he let out a slow whimper.

"You stink."

It took me at least 10 minutes to get all the air fresheners on and around him. It looked really funny. He had a few dangling from his ears like earrings. They were taped all around his arms and legs and hung all around the tred mill. We got started up again and Edward gave me his iPod. We were running for about an hour and te fresheners were working. I was grateful but just as I was about to stop I looked at Jacob running on the tred mill his jiggles dancing and jumping everywhere. I laughed so hard and hit m hand on the super button on the treadmill and fell. The tred mill then threw me off it skidding onto the floor. Thankfully I had Edward to catch me from hitting my head. This had made Jacob laugh and he fell too but he was too fat to be thrown off so he just kept rolling on te treadmill. Ha I thought. Serves him right. I was still mad at him for laughing so I turned off his tred mill and Edward and I left.

"Bella wait! I'm sorry!"

"No. You laughed at me when I could have died! Good thing I have Edward for a boyfriend and not you." After I said it I could see the hurt on his face. "I'm giving you one more chance. Next Sunday, but if anything happens like that again I am not helping you out at ALL." And left after I said it.

**SSSSOOOO sorry it took me forever to update…I went to Tennessee with no computer access. But go to my polls and vote please and review!**


	9. Chapter 9

I am sssssoooo sorry for not updating

**A/N:**

**I am sssssoooo sorry for not updating!! I have 3 reasons why though:**

**1. I'm having writers block. I'm also trying to make it as funny as possible.**

**2. We just found out my dad has cancer.**

**3. Me and A-Pixie-With-Attitude (Raquel) are planning a twilight party and so we're really busy. And do you have any ideas for food we could serve at the party? Please send me a message or comment on what we should serve.**


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